So many social media posts about getting outside our comfort zone, trying something different, pushing ourselves into uncertainty and doing something scary.
What if you don’t really like change, what if you like what you know even if you also know that trying something new could be good for you. You might even be able to see that you want things to change but get stuck on not liking change. How can you want to change but not like it?
Perhaps it’s not as simple as liking or not liking something. Perhaps “liking things you know” is really about feeling safer with things you know.
Why does keeping things the same feel safer?
When I worked in The City and my mind was thinking about all the issues I had to sort I would automatically get on the same train, go into the same carriage and sit in the same seat. In my busy mind this took away a decision and gave me a sense of control when perhaps I couldn't control other parts of my life.
When I started counselling training I’d use this example and always get asked, but how would you feel if one morning, your usual seat is taken. Other than the passive aggressive British stare or quiet tut, I would probably notice that I felt more uncomfortable, I’d try and look for another seat that feels ok. But be a bit on edge.
From the outside, it could seem like an overreaction.
But perhaps it isn't really about the seat.
Familiar things can give us a sense of safety and predictability. When other parts of life feel too much or a bit uncertain, those small things we can rely on can become particularly important.
This is where the real work starts to happen because perhaps the question is about what the routine and sameness gives us.
What is this routine doing for me?
Maybe when we don’t think about our need to sit in the same seat as a slightly weird problem but instead start to explore what that sameness does for us we can begin to understand how routine can offer us comfort.
The things that make us feel safe, our routines or comfort zones often have a history.
We can sometimes talk about a comfort zone as though it's a bad thing. As though staying with what's we know and like is a weird problem that is stopping us.
The things that make us feel comfortable haven't necessarily appeared out of nowhere.
A particular routine might help us manage anxiety.
Avoiding certain situations might once have been a useful way of coping.
Knowing what will happen next might give us a sense of control when other things feel unpredictable.
That doesn't mean these patterns can never change or are bad. It does mean that it can be useful to understand them before deciding they are a problem to be got rid of.
There is a difference between asking, “Why can't I just change this?” and asking, “Why does this feel so important to me?”
The second question might tell us something we didn't know about ourselves.
Change doesn't have to mean a huge leap
There is a lot of advice around change that suggests we need to take these great big leaps
“Just do it.”
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
“Leap and learn to fly on the way down.”
They could all work but for someone experiencing anxiety about change, it can feel more like being told to ignore the very thing that is making them anxious.
Counselling doesn't need to work that way.
It isn't about forcing someone to abandon the things that make them feel safe or comfortable.
Instead, counselling can provide a space to explore what is underneath those patterns.
What are you worried might happen if you do things differently?
What does uncertainty mean to you?
What would changing this particular routine give you?
And what are you afraid you might lose?
Sometimes, understanding the answers to those questions can make change feel a little less overwhelming.
Perhaps we can experiment with small changes
Once we understand why something feels important, we might decide that we want to try changing it.
But it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Going back to our train journey, perhaps the first step isn't suddenly taking a completely different route. Perhaps it's sitting somewhere else in the same carriage.
You might find it uncomfortable. You might spend the whole journey noticing that you're not in your usual seat.
But you might also discover that nothing particularly bad happened.
The following day, you can sit in your usual seat again.
Or perhaps you try a different one.
The point isn't to prove that you no longer need your routine.
It's to give yourself the opportunity to notice what happens when you make a small change.
Over time, those small tests can sometimes help us develop a little more flexibility around the things that once felt fixed.
We may begin to realise that feeling uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. And that we can cope with not knowing exactly what will happen next.
Understanding ourselves before trying to change
If you're struggling with anxiety about change or uncertainty, you don't necessarily need to push yourself harder.
It might be more useful to start by understanding why change feels difficult in the first place.
What looks like a rigid routine from the outside may be providing something important on the inside.
Counselling can offer a space to explore these routines at your own pace and without any judgement
You may decide that some things are worth changing.
You may decide that some things aren't.
And sometimes, simply understanding why we do what we do can change the way we see ourselves.
